We cannot save our children.
They must want to save themselves.
We can love them unconditionally
while they develop that desire.

Often, as parents, we experience a tremendous amount of shame when our child develops an eating disorder. We must face and work through (or in spite of) our shame. These illnesses come with a great deal of stigma that is neither deserved nor helpful. We must not keep our child's eating disorder a secret. The illness will demand that of us, but this is a demand we must refuse. Gently, we need to inform our child that we will speak openly with others, without shame, about their illness so that we are not isolated from the support and resources that others can offer. If the diagnosis were cancer, would we remain silent? Would we wait for our child to want treatment? Would we allow them to hit bottom before we took action?

Our immediate action is necessary, but it must be instituted with care and love. We need professional guidance on how to act and speak so that our child can hear us...as well as instruction in how to listen so that we are able to hear beyond our child's words.

That said, we also must trust our gut instincts. If we feel that things are amiss in some way and our child's current treatment providers disagree, we need to muster the courage to check in with other experts and persist until our questions are answered. If our gut is telling us our child needs a higher level of care, more intense treatment, or whatever...we need to trust that instinct. We often regret when we do not listen to our "internal wisdom."

Please know that our feelings of frustration, fear, powerlessness, confusion and yes, even anger (or yes, especially anger), are shared by the majority of parents whose children are disordered eaters. Our job is not to yell, threaten, browbeat, inflict guilt, or judge either ourselves or our child. While we learn all we can about eating disorders, we can, without judgment, share our honest concerns and provide loving support as well as the support of professionals. Recriminations and outbursts waste valuable time.

Please also know that this illness is not our child’s fault. It may seem that they are making choices that have put them at risk and make no sense, but we need to understand that their ability to “choose” becomes more and more limited as the illness progresses. The development of an eating disorder is extremely complex, and once it becomes clinical, it has the same ramifications and appearance of an emotional and psychological addiction.

We may ask, “Then whose fault is it, if not my child’s?” Assigning blame is so very seductive … it makes things somehow more tidy and manageable and far more comprehensible. It, again, wastes valuable time and energy. . . time and energy that could be used toward supporting our child's healing--this healing needs to be our number one priority (above our child's attendance at school, work and all other extra-curricular activities). As parents we all make mistakes but there are factors over which we have no control: the combination of genes our children inherit, their specific temperaments and how they interpret events around them, the messages they receive from peers and the culture at large, and so on and so on.

The final message we would like to leave with you is that healing from an eating disorder happens! Even though bulimia took Andrea's life, we believe with all our heart and soul that complete healing IS possible, even if a person has suffered for decades. We've met far too many people who are testaments to this fact to have any doubt of its truth. Do not lose hope ... your child can not only survive but can thrive through the healing process. As parents, we need to have this thought uppermost in our minds and we need to make sure our child's treatment team believes in complete healing as well.

Difficulty getting insurance to pay for treatment? Try contacting Kantor & Kantor, LLP. Their web site states, "If you, or someone you know has problems with their insurance company, call us toll free at 800-446-7529. We NEVER charge for the first phone call. In fact, since our cases are handled on a contingency basis, our clients rarely have to pay us any money at all unless and until their cases are resolved favorably." I have no experience with these attorneys so I recommend "due diligence" but it may be worth checking into. [If you do, please let me know if they are attorneys you would recommend]

To help us become a part of the solution,  The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) offers a helpful parent tool kit.

For one of the most concise and up-to-date guides on eating disorders please visit Mental Health First Aid.  For Mental Health First Aid's guidelines on other mental health issues click here.

For a valuable 40,000-word Eating Disorder Glossary developed by F.E.A.S.T. click here.